Understanding Resiliency

Simply defined, resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity. It involves several components, including the following:

• Mastery
• Connections
• Emotional Intensity

Gifted individuals, both children and adults, are hardwired in ways that present unique challenges to overall resiliency. And while these posts will take a look at some of the inherent problems facing the GT population, I do not want any reader to interpret this to mean that GT individuals are MORE prone to resiliency challenges. I would actually argue that the very nature of giftedness may serve as a well of internal resources helping improve resiliency for most. 

MASTERY

Mastery specifically refers to a person’s ability to understand and analyze the cause/effect relationship between effort and results. It involves how a child views his or her individual ability to master the environment; whether or not he or she believes that working hard will, in fact, lead to improved outcomes.

Mastery involves the attributes of optimism (the ability to see the glass as half-full and feel positive about the future), adaptability (the ability to change and adapt to environmental/situational changes), and self-efficacy (different from self-esteem, this specifically relates to a person’s belief that he or she has the ability to perform successfully in a given situation).

As seen from the definition above, there are several areas in which gifted kids may struggle related to the very nature of giftedness. Some of the more typical challenges may include the following:

Optimism -

• Feelings of inadequacy due to a mismatch between ability and previous achievements
• 2E situations
• Perfectionism and the belief that making errors means you are not gifted
• Fear of failing resulting in poor risk taking
• All or nothing belief structure (“I either know it all, or don’t know anything”)

Self-efficacy

• The belief that teachers/parents have unrealistically high expectations for performance
• Same rigidity, perfectionism, and fear of failure discussed above

Adaptability:

• Inflexible in thinking processes
• Intensities (you will see this come up a lot)
• Resistance to accepting help
• Resistance to change

As you can see, there are a lot of potential problems facing our gifted children related to the very nature of giftedness.

 

So what do we do to help? I think the answer is two-fold (as always). First, as parents and/or educators, we need to accept our own difficulties in these areas. Identify them, and work to consciously correct our inaccurate thinking. Reframe “normal” for ourselves. Then we need to help our children do the same. Talk with them about their feeling related to this domain – help them see where their thinking may be not only counterproductive, but just plan incorrect. Help them learn to recognize the times and ways in which their thoughts are inaccurate.

 

By doing this – by understanding mastery and the ways it can adversely impact kids, you are positioning yourself to act as an “emotional” coach for them – something that I believe will lead to improved outcomes.

CONNECTIONS

Connections refers to the ability to make meaningful relationships with peers and adults, and to derive support from these relationships. In short, it refers to the feeling of having people in your corner who “get you” and “have your back”. Although it is important for children to have actual support, the research is clear that perceived support is far more important with regards to this aspect of resiliency and protection factors.

—Building and having positive connections typically involves the attributes of trust (trusting that the people in your life will not abandon you), support (feeling that those most trusted in your life are supportive of you and your issues/endeavors), comfort (feeling comfortable around people and with your peers and adults), and tolerance (being accepting of others and their unique styles, thought processes and needs).Obviously, GT kids may run into a few barriers in these areas related to the basic characteristics of giftedness, including some of the following:

—Building Connections:

• —Like minded peers vs. typically developing peers
• Difficulties developing relationships in general related to giftedness
• Introverts vs extroverts

Imposter Syndrome and its impact

• —Perceived Support vs Real Support
• Rigid and narrow definitions of friendship, support, and/or expectations
• Adaptability issues like those discussed under Mastery

Tolerance

• OEs (intensities)
• —Rigid thinking (yes, this does keep coming up!)
• —Resistance to change

 

As you can see, this is another aspect of resiliency that can pose unique problems. So, how do we help? Like mastery, I think the answer starts with parents and/or educators understanding their own challenges with regards to building connections and Imposter Syndrome. We must reframe our difficulties, paying attention to any challenges we have with rigid thinking. As we do this for ourselves, we learn how to help our children do the same. Furthermore, by regularly looking inward at our own perceptions and behaviors, we cultivate an environment conducive to self-reflection and analysis. This environment, then, provides a risk free way for our children to do the same.

 

EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY

Emotional reactivity refers to how a child reacts emotionally to adversity or problems. We already know that Gifted Kids are highly intense. But this emotional reactivity, while actually a good thing, does bring with it the potential for difficulties in the area of resiliency. Some factors that impact a person’s overall emotional reactivity is the depth of their intensities, the time it takes them to emotionally bounce back from a set back, and the level of impairment the emotional intensity may cause.

Gifted children, being more intense than their non-gifted counterparts, have some unique challenges when it comes to emotional reactivity and intensity, including:

• Extreme Intensity
• Rigid thinking that makes recovery difficulty
• Lack of emotional tools

Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to help your child learn to manage their emotional intensities and reactions to events in their lives. Some of these include:

• Build an emotional tool bank
• Teach your child an emotional vocabulary to discuss feelings, and then discuss them regularly
• Discuss perfectionism and imposter syndrome issues openly and often
• Discuss and work through fear of failure concerns

As you can see, the beginnings of working on managing intensities starts with open and honest communications in this area – something that can be hard and scary for most parents and kids. 

Understanding the workings of resiliency is the first step toward assisting our children in developing this part of themselves.

What do you think?

Resiliency and The Girl Guide

Hi everyone! happy Monday. I wanted to take a moment this morning, and let you know about my latest release, THE GIRL GUIDE. Since this week’s topic is resiliency, I wanted to get things started by telling you about this book.

As many of  you know, this book is special to me. It contains everything I would – and have – told my girls about growing up a strong woman. At a time when women’s rights continue to be threatened in places in the world, and girls are getting bombarded with mixed messages about how they are supposed to act, I think the book has an important message.

Another reason I am thrilled for the book, is the advice contributed by some of the most amazing women I am privileged enough to call friends. Called “Notes to Self” in the book, these little nuggets are amazing. Thank you to the following list of women who shared their words and advice: Mona Chicks, Paula Earl, Rebekah Graham, Erin Hastedt, Stasia Kehow Ward, Jessi Kirby, Shelli Johannes, Heather McCorkle, Michelle McLean, Gretchen McNeil, Jen Merrill, Abby Mohaupt, Lisa Rivero, BE Sanderson, Melodye Shore, and my mom and grandmother. This group is nothing short of amazing! 

To celebrate the launch, Xpresso Book Tours is hosting a book blitz over the next couple of weeks, and with it, I am hosting a special Girl Guide giveaway. Before I get to the prizes, which include books and a gift certificate for either Amazon or Barnes and Noble, I want to tell you about a special photo opportunity associated with the giveaway…

As most of you know, Barnes and Noble picked up the Girl Guide for national distribution. In fact, it has end-cap display in the Teen section starting May 14. 

This is a first for any of my books to be picked up for large distribution and I am pretty dang giddy about it. SO, I am asking that you, my readers, find my book at your local Barnes and Noble, take a picture of it, and post it online somewhere. If you do, it counts as TEN ENTRIES for the giveaway.

Epic, yes????

Okay, so the rest of the specifics:

Giveaway runs from TODAY through June 1 and it is open internationally. Of course, there is nothing you “need” to do other than complete the form below, though I am giving extra entries for various things – like the picture op. (Can you tell I am excited to see pictures!). Winners are randomly chosen.

Here is what you can win:

1) $100 gift certificate for Amazon or Barnes and Noble (winner’s choice) PLUS a copy of the Girl Guide and swag (1 prize)

2) An annotated galley proof of the Girl Guide with my comments throughout, PLUS book swag (1 prize)

3) A copy of the Girl Guide plus book swag (3 prizes)

Complete the form below to enter:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Come back Weds and I will post about resiliency and adolescence! See you then

Nurturing the Creative Soul? Yea, sure…

This month’s topic, Nurturing the Soul of the Gifted, is so appropriate for me. I have been spending the better part of the year trying to achieve some sort of balance within and nurture a part of me that I have spent too much of the past year ignoring. It has been a difficult journey most days, as old habits push their way to the forefront of my thoughts and the new habits I am cultivating – things like healthy living, regular meditation, my daily pages – get lost in the daily routine.

But every now and then, when I catch myself enjoying the site of a beautiful fresh flower, or stopping to watch a bird sing in the window outside my home, I am reminded that this, like most journeys, begins with a single step, a moment of action.

Action.

Not wallowing in angst. Not regret or sadness. Action.

But not any kind of action. Deliberate action that moves me in the direction of my dreams. Action that places my life, my soul, front and center. This is the type of action I have taken all year; baby steps with one goal in mind – live authentically.

It is no small task to live an authentic life. But, in placing that as my goal, I am nurturing the deepest aspects of my soul. And I am filled with purpose and joy.

So….

I guess I am right where I should be after all.

How about all of you? Are you nurturing your soul, living creatively, and being authentic?

It’s April and Time for A New Topic!

Welcome to April and the start of the Spring months here at Intense Life. This month we are focusing on the “Nurturing the Soul of the Gifted.” Our calendar is up on the right sidebar and I am truly excited to see what we all post about.

I’ve been giving the topic a lot of thought of late, as my own self-care has been a HUGE issue and focus, as has the idea of nurturing my soul and what that really means. With gifted individuals, life exists in this intense dance between overindulgence of one form or another and complete deprivation. We are lessons in extremes, spending a lifetime learning how to balance our nature. But sometimes I wonder, is it meant to be balanced? Or is this dance between the extremes the place where our own joy can be found?

But more on all of that next week, when I post my post. Until then, start thinking about how you nurture the soul of the gifted individuals in your life, including yourself!

Tammy Marino and the Birth of a One-Eyed Squid

We have a new person joining the ranks here at An Intense Life – Amanda Hull. Amanda is actually the adult daughter of another contributor, Donna Leonard. Amanda brings a fresh eye and style to her posts that I think you will love….

So, take it away Amanda:

At a training for work (I work at an afterschool program with 60 children in grades K-5), Tammy Marino handed out markers, crayons, construction paper, brightly colored foam stickers and told us all to create whatever came to mind, if we so choose- or to not create at all if we didn’t want to.  Most of the adults participated- a birthday card was created, a foam name card, a picture of a dinosaur attacking a building. I took just a blue and a purple marker and used my own black pen to draw a giant squid on the folder we were supposed to be using to hold our new papers. I colored the paper with the markers then used a small paintbrush from my purse, dipped it in water then painted over the color for a watercolor effect.

As I worked on my slightly tragic looking one-eyed squid, Tammy Marino asked the room full of adults what they’re creative habits were. When do you feel most creative? In what circumstances? And, of course, how can you apply your own creative preferences to the children?

The lesson being taught was that if adults differentiate in their creative preferences, children certainly do and when a child feels they are without control regarding when and how they can go about creating something, meltdowns can ensue.  

That said, from my observations, as long as the child finds the creative task at hand to be in any way interesting, they will attack with a gusto I rarely see in adults. Which brings me to a slight divergence in topic.

What’s up with all these non-creative adults? Do we hit a certain age where we just leak out creative potential like my 93 Honda leaked out coolant? Maybe we’re just too busy walking in and out of tall buildings and entering numbers in small white squares.

I hate to give away the answer so quickly, but my bus leaves soon so time is against me. From what I have read and seen, it seems once again the enemy is fear. Adults have much more time to calcify an ego that sings of their inadequacies daily. Internal fears must be treated how a butterfly collector treats her specimen. Identify, pin, observe. Adults must come to a better understanding of their own creative inhibitors in order to help the children they love reach their potentials. 

 

The Creative Soul

It’s interesting that this post is late getting posted, especially given the topic of creativity. See, I have a very creative approach to life. And like many creative-types, especially those of us who are both creative and gifted (two things that very frequently go hand-in-hand), my intensities have a way of running amok when I have not taken the time to nourish my creativity.

What do I mean by that?

Well, as a creative soul, there are certain things that I need: Periodic solitude, a respite from the day-to-day stressors so that I can renew; opportunities to feed my creativity including “play time”, trips into nature, and pursuing my many interests; daily clearing of my thoughts in some way; opportunities for daily reflection, and creative outlets. If I deny myself any of these activities, either because life has gotten too busy or because I’ve rationalized that I don’t really need these things, I find myself becoming agitated, frustrated and even more intense (if that is possible). This then leads to a decrease in the things I need to creatively renew, and so on and so forth, until I find myself creatively bankrupt.

And trust me – that is no place anyone wants to be!

It has taken me a long time to realize that as a creative soul I need to above mentioned things as part of my regular healthy habits, just like I need food and sleep (which, incidentally, also suffers when those creative needs go wanting). But, as someone who has suffered creative burnout in the past, I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to honor this aspect of myself and nourish my creative soul.

What about you? Do you honor yours?

March, Enrichment and Creativity

Hi everyone, and welcome to March!!! This month, we are focuses on enrichment and creativity – something most of us find very important to our lives and to the lives of our children. Our schedule of bloggers is on the right.

We are also welcoming a new member to the team, Amanda Hull. In truth, she was ready to start last month, but there was a tech glitch on my part, and I didn’t get her post up. I will do better this month.

Before I leave, I wanted to ask all of you what kind of things you would like to see for topics in the months to come? Just leave a comment and let me know.

And be sure to join us Weds with Kate’s take on this month’s topic.

Happy Valentine’s and a GIVEAWAY!

Hi all!

I hope everyone is enjoying their Valentine’s Day. I have really enjoyed reading this months posts related to the heart and being gifted.  In fact, I’ve enjoyed it SO MUCH – and enjoyed the wonderful conversations that have been happening on the blog so much that I’ve decided to offer a little giveaway for the long weekend.

From now until Monday, 2/18, I will be hosting a giveaway for a print copy of IF I’M SO SMART, WHY AREN’T THE ANSWERS EASY???

Here is a little bit about the book:

Based on surveys with more than 5,000 gifted young adults, If I’m So Smart, Why Aren’t the Answers Easy? sheds light on the day-to-day experiences of those growing up gifted. In their own enlightening words, teens share their experiences with giftedness, including friendships and fitting in with peers, school struggles and successes, and worries about the future. By allowing teens to share their real-life stories, the book gives readers a self-study guide to the successes and pitfalls of being gifted in a world not always open to their unique and diverse needs. Teens will be able to reflect on their own experiences through the engaging journal prompts included in the book, and their parents and teachers will enjoy hearing directly from other students about the topics gifted teens face daily.

Entering is easy – just leave a comment on THIS post between now and Monday, Feb 18. I will pick one random commenter to win. Easy Peasy, right.

Good luck and be sure to spread the word (and leave another comment each time you do!).

And have a wonderful Valentine’s and President’s Day weekend!

Passion – The Core of the Gifted

You’ve heard me say before that gifted individuals are, at their core, intense. This intensity extends into every aspect of their being – the way their brain functions, the way their sensory system interacts with the world, and the way they feel about the world. It is, in my opinion, a core aspect of the gifted individual.

The world often looks at the cognitive aspects of their intensity favorably, complimenting them on their academic prowess, or giving accolades for the unique problem-solving skills or creative approaches gifted individuals often demonstrate.

This is not typically true with the emotional aspects of being. These are looked at with a less favorable eye. When they are young, gifted individuals are often thought to be overly dramatic, engaging in tantrumming behavior over seemingly little events.

As they age, a gifted person may find it hard to find relationships because of their intensities – they give so much to every friendship, every love interest, that  it often scares the other individual.

As a gifted adult, I can tell you that learning to deal with the intense aspects of giftedness has been a unique challenge. I feel things at such a deep level, am easily wounded, and can often appear somewhat unbalanced because of my intensities.

Nothing is farther from the truth, however.

My intensities make me strong.

Let me say that again – my intensities, or my passion, for whatever it is I am doing makes me strong. It gives me the focus I need to push past the things that are difficult in order to reach my goals. And it enables me to connect to others in a way that has helped my art, my job….everything.

I say this to encourage you to view the intense aspects of your giftedness, or the giftedness within your children for what it truly is – PASSION.

It is passion that enables humans to create and invent. Passion that raises art to the sublime. Passion that gives us a reason to continue.

Passion.

Change of Plans and Some Exciting Times

Hi everyone! I had planned on introducing a new blog author today. However, we have not finalized her participation. So, I thought I’d use today to introduce you to my upcoming nonfiction book, The Girl Guide: Finding Your Place in a Mixed-Up World

I am so excited to bring this book to all of you. Written for girls from grades 6-9, this book focuses on resiliency and becoming strong young women, something important to both gifted and typical girls. Here is the blurb from Amazon:

Finding your unique voice in a noisy world can be hard–very hard. But not if you have a great guide! The Girl Guide: Finding Your Place in a Mixed-Up World is a must-read for girls in grades 6-8 as they enter the tumultuous world of adolescence. Packed with fun worksheets and quizzes, as well as stories from older girls and women, The Girl Guide covers everything a teenage girl needs to know on the journey toward her own identity. Proven strategies for dealing with stress management, confronting relational aggression, being safe online, navigating the changing mother-daughter relationship, and more make this the ultimate guide for any girl to get through the teen years and discover her unique point of view in the world.

Review copies of the book are just making their way into the world. If you are interested in being considered for one, please follow the link to complete the form. I can’t guarantee you’ll get one, but completing the form is the only way to be considered. Or, you can pre-order your copy from your favorite retailer today! Amazon and Barnes and Noble both have it at a great price. 

And keep your receipts if you decide to pre-order – I am planning a pretty EPIC giveaway for anyone that pre-orders the book. More on that next month