The “Up” Side to Being Intense

I do a lot of presentations and book chats around Southern California and the rest of the country. Within every chat I do, a similar question or comment always comes up:

What’s so good about being intense?

It is a question that speaks to something every gifted adult and child deals with or has dealt with at some point – finding the positive in a life that at times feels cursed. We already know how hard it is to be intense. We know the heartache from living with emotions that run from happy to sad faster than we can keep up. We know the angst of living – and parenting – in a world where we (or our children) feel misunderstood more often than not. We know the difficulties of, as my friend says, painting the world in bolds when the rest of the planet is content to paint in pastels.

We know.

But, is there an up side to this?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES. Over the next few posts I will take some of the more typical aspects of giftedness – the ones that tend to be more problematic like perfectionism, bossyness, stubbornness, rigidity, and excessive worrying – and show the other side of the traits.

The Up-Side.

For today’s post, let’s look at perfectionism, continual worry, and stubbornness. I chose these three particular traits not only because they cause so many of the difficulties Gifted individuals face, but always because they are often interrelated, occurring together most of the time.

PERFECTIONISM -

Every gifted person I’ve met has had some familiarity with perfectionism, that drive to excel and be “perfect”. It is a trait of giftedness that can prevent us from accomplishing our goals by preventing us from ever finishing tasks. In school, it can keep that gifted child from turning in work, or keep them up late as they try to decipher what the teacher “really” meant with the instructions. In its most intense form, it can make us ill and paralyze us as we grapple with our own version of  ”death”, of being “less than”.

But, that is only one side of perfectionism. In its best form, perfectionism is actually task commitment – the drive to see something through to the bitter end, to the vision we hold for it. It is the trait that enables us push through our failures, push through the attempts we make and stick to something until we reach a type of perfection with the task.

I know for me, my perfectionism is both a curse and my biggest asset. It is my perfectionism that drives me to continually improve – in my personal life, in my professional life, and in my artistic life. It is also my perfectionism that creates existential angst as I attempt to manage my tendency to second guess myself. Definitely a two-edged sword, and one I have accepted as a natural part of who I am.

CONTINUAL WORRY - 

Ah, yes….Anxiety. We have all felt it. And with gifted individuals, the anxiety can take one a whole new form. Part of it relates to our ability to see situations from so many angles, allowing us to really know and appreciate some of the problems and more negative aspects of life. Our perfectionism, stubbornness, and even our rigidity can feed the anxieties we feel, turning them into seemingly insurmountable problems. Our anxiety can cause us to shrink away from life, looking for a place to hide and feel safe.

But that is only one aspect of anxiety.

Anxiety, or rather heightened emotions, can also serve to alert us to ourselves, letting us know when some of our other traits (like perfectionism) are running amuck. It can alert us to potential danger and help us steer clear of problems others may never notice. And, more than anything, it can ignite our empathy, enable us to see the world from another’s perspective. These are qualities needed in today’s world.

For me, anxiety and worry are my internal signals to take a moment and breathe. They are the signs that I am not staying in touch with my other intensities. The emotions are also something that enable me to connect with humanity in very profound ways.

STUBBORNNESS

Few people on the planet are as stubborn as GT people. When we think we are right, WE KNOW we are. When someone says they will do something, we EXPECT them to. And we hold ourselves to that same level. Our stubbornness can often lead to others thinking of us as know-it-alls, bossy, or rigid. And in truth, we are to some degree.

But, that is only one side of the trait. The stubbornness, especially when working with our perfectionism, enables us to stick to tasks in the face of difficulty. We don’t tend to give up easily, and we are steadfast in our approach. The rigidity, in its more mature form, is commitment – to tasks, to people, to the pursuit of our dreams.

For me, being stubborn has enabled me to stick with projects and search for solutions to obstacles that stand between me and my goals. It has kept me from giving up, and forced me to work through problems instead of running from them. Even in my marriage to my also intense husband, we joke that it is our stubbornness that got us through the rocky parts of our marriage, neither of us willing to be the one that walked away first. And thank goodness! My relationship to him is one of the best things in my life for reasons I can’t even begin to explain – but I had to get to this point by sticking with it and working through the hard times.

So there you go, a new way of looking at just a few of the more problematic aspects of giftedness. What do you think? Any positive aspects of these traits I’ve left off?

 

 

Um…yea. About that…

Okay, yes, I’ll admit it. I completely forgot about today’s post. Maybe it was too much Mother’s Day relaxation, or maybe it was too much work piled on my desk at my day job. Regardless, it is now late…very late.

So, instead of thinking up something on the fly, I am actually getting organized and PLANNING out my posts for the rest of the month and June.  My upcoming topics include:

• A series of four posts that highlight the POSITIVE aspects of emotional intensity
• A series of posts related to preventing boredom in the summer months

Additionally, I invite all of you to submit guest posts for the summer months. Just drop me an email at christine(at)christinefonseca(dot)com or use the contact form on my website – http://christinefonseca.com.

In the meantime, be sure to check out Thomas’ post on Weds, and Donna’s post on Friday. This is a weird month with 5 Weds, so I will be pushing my 5/28 post (which is Memorial Day) to 5/30.

See you all Weds! And really, I am not as disorganized as I seem of late.

 

Emotional Intensity and High Stakes Testing

***WARNING – THIS IS A BIT RAMBLING***

Most of you know that in addition to being a gifted adult and working with parents and educators of gifted children, I am also the parent of two gifted children. This perspective – having children who are gifted while also being a educator in the field of giftedness – provides a perspective that has proven particularly helpful as I work with families. I am able to test out my ideas and strategies at home, in addition to talking with my own children about their giftedness and the things that are both easy and difficult for them. Things like high stakes testing.

Yes, it is a helpful perspective.

This has been particularly true over the last couple of weeks. In my school district, it is testing season. Students move from statewide assessments (thank you NCLB), to AP and IB testing, to finals. Can you say STRESSED?

The teachers have been wonderful, holding special “practice” testing sessions for the AP exams in the evenings and weekends. My oldest has participated in all of them. But, this is her first real experience with tests like the AP exam. And, being the crazy over-achiever that she is, she is not taking ONE AP exam…she is taking three. Even more next year.

Oh yes, it has been a very stressful few weeks.

She spent this last weekend studying like crazy – in study groups, with friends, and on her own.

Like most of her GT friends, she has a range of intensities she deals daily. Additionally, like most of her GT friends, she holds herself to a crazy standard. Most people think my husband and I have pushed her in this direction, insinuating that if she gets too overwhelmed it is somehow our fault, that our expectations are too high. Nothing can be farther from the truth. With her, we are always trying to tempter the expectations she has for herself with reasonableness…teaching her, rather than dictating to her, how to manage her high expectations with the realities of being intense. We have taught her about being balanced, stress reduction, taking breaks, and perspective. It is a never-ending job. And one we are only marginally successful at.

That said, I am proud of her. She has learned that the hives she is getting right now is related to her stress. She is learning to give herself breaks, learning that she studies better with certain friends than with others. She knows she needs sleep, and that she can, and has, overstudied for things.

She is learning balance.

At least, balance within the framework of an emotional intense being.

What I am most proud of, however, is that my 15 year old child understands that her intensity is normal for her. She is not afraid of it, she does not let it rule her, nor does she allow the intense nature of her emotions get too far out of line. Most days. She understands that her intensities push her to excel while simultaneously threatening her successes by exacerbating her stress. She embraces her intensities, while understanding it is kind of like embracing a sword.

I originally started this post with the intent of commenting on the realities of high-stakes tests on our intense kiddos. But, as I think about my daughter and her friends, think about their journey through high-stakes testing, AP and IB classes, and expectations that can spiral out of control, I am reminded by one truth – Intense kids are intense kids. Their intensities are their biggest asset, and their Achilles heel. But good or bad, relaxed or stressed, it is normal for them. So, rather than comment on the right or wrongs of high stakes testing, I offer this…

Help your children learn to balance their lives – help them embrace their intensities, while never losing sight of the potential pitfalls of being an intense being. Walk with them through the fire that is sometimes their lives. Do this and you will give them a gift that has no measure…

You will enable them to fully embrace what it means to be intense…

And what could be more amazing than that?

 

Missed it

Again. I can’t believe I missed another Monday post. In all fairness, I spent the weekend and today involved in crisis intervention related to my day job. One of the schools in my district lost a beloved Assistant Principal and I was on-call over the weekend and on Monday to help the school and community deal with the loss. It’s not a job I take lightly. I prepare for it emotionally prior to stepping foot on campus, and it takes me a while to process through the grief I have absorbed and experienced afterwards.

Being a highly intense person, this is something that may take me a tad longer than some. In the case of this loss, it touched me deeply.

So, that is why the post today was missed today.

Rest assured, I will be back next week with more on resiliency, my upcoming nonfiction, Redefining Normal, and some lessons learned while trying to face the realities of being an intense adult.

See you next week…

 

Intensities Running Amuck

First, let me apologize for getting this post up sooo late! You see, I have been burning the candle at too many ends of late, loading more and more on my plate without regard for the realities of getting everything done. Which leads me to the title of this post…

Have you ever felt like your intensities have slipped into hyper-drive, both propelling you forward and running over you? Well, this is pretty much what I am experiencing of late. A new job, the “intense” time of year with the kids (you know, finals, AP testing, etc), exciting writing happenings…it has all combined to form this maelstrom that has, in all honesty, gotten away from me. And in the wake of this storm, my intensities have kicked into full gear, adding and oh-so-delightful flavor to the mess.

Grrr. Sometimes it is really hard being an intense adult.

Yes, things are positive and exciting overall. And yet, despite the happy feelings that generally go along with words like “positive” and “exciting”, I am finding myself feeling anxious, intimidated, and dare-I-say, fraud-like.

So, what do I do in moments like these? Inhale and exhale. And slow it all down long enough to wrap my brain around what NEEDS to be done versus everything else.

Yea, I know….I’ll tell you how that works out for me next week!

What do you guys do in moments like these? You do have them, right? ((Please say right))…

Monday Ramblings…

First, sorry this post is late getting up. I am home sick and did not have this written the weekend. In fact, I should probably apologize for the post in general as it is, no doubt, a little rambling….

I love the posts everyone has been writing of late – the honesty of the issues we face as gifted adults and parents of gifted children has been refreshing and poignant. This is particularly true with Jen’s post from Friday. In fact, it is her post and her reply to my comment that lead to this post. Just look:

In this “conversation” I mention my own existential anxiety – that at-times all-consuming angst that I live with. It is an interesting thing, really, having the power to paralyze me and propel me further. Jen mentioned in her comment how much it tends to paralyze her, and this is something I can really relate to.

For years, my angst has gotten the better of me, chipping away at my energy level, my ability to focus and my confidence. But recently, I have come to terms with this aspect of who I am. I don’t know if it is just my own normal maturation or the work I do in this field, but I have come to appreciate my angst as a source of creativity now. Something that helps to propel and move me forward. Somehow, this angst that I live with is no longer a “bad” thing. Now it is something that I have accepted as part of who I am; something that just is. I have learned to harness the energy from the angst and funnel it into my writing. The result is not always good. My fiction is filled with angst, emotion and anxiety. And while many people enjoy that, I certainly have my critics.

Further, my existential anxiety, my angst, still has the power to leave me overly depleted of energy, motivation, and confidence. But I don’t react poorly to these moments as much as I used to. Now, I use these times as a signal that I am out of balance. I realize that feeling fried is just my system’s warning call that I need to pull in and rejuvenate. And, not-so-surprisingly, I also do that through writing.

Okay, enough rambling for a Monday (I did warn you!). In short, I do get the angst and frustration my gifted friends feel. And yes, I live with this ever-present existential angst that can be overwhelming at times. And even though I may feel paralyzed and drained in these moments, I have learned that if I focus in and write during these times – if I wrestle myself to the computer and release the angst to the page, no matter how much I don’t want to – I will push through and harness the creative energy the angst often provides…

if that makes any sense at all.

Redefining Normal…and a plea for help

I am so excited to be jumping into the writing part of my empowerment project for girls. In this project, REDEFINING NORMAL, I am tackling the topic of resiliency and empowerment with a book written specifically for girls in the early teen years. The book includes strategies, quizzes and stories from other teens and adults – stories that focus on finding your voice and coming into your own and a strong young woman.

And this is where you come in -

I am actively looking for young adult and adult women to share their stories of self-discovery with me – things they have learned, ways they have become stronger, etc. If YOU are interested in sharing a story or being interviewed, CLICK HERE and complete the form. I will be contacting people in the next few weeks.

And please – SPREAD THE WORD!!! I really think this can be a powerful tool for girls at a time when they need it most.

THANK YOU!

Resiliency Part 3 – Emotional Intensity

  Hi all! Time for the final part of my resiliency series. Two week ago we talked about Building Connections, and before that, Mastery. Today we are talking about emotional reactions and the impact of these on resiliency.

Emotional reaction refers to how a child reacts emotionally to adversity or problems. We already know that Gifted Kids are highly intense. But this emotional reactivity, while actually a good thing, does bring with it the potential for difficulties in the area of resiliency. Some factors that impact a person’s overall emotional reactivity is the depth of their intensities, the time it takes them to emotionally bounce back from a set back, and the level of impairment the emotional intensity may cause.

Gifted children, being more intense than their non-gifted counterparts, have some unique challenges when it comes to emotional reactivity and intensity, including:

• Extreme Intensity
• Rigid thinking that makes recovery difficulty
• Lack of emotional tools

Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to help your child learn to manage their emotional intensities and reactions to events in their lives. Some of these include:

• Build an emotional tool bank
• Teach your child an emotional vocabulary to discuss feelings, and then discuss them regularly
• Discuss perfectionism and imposter syndrome issues openly and often
• Discuss and work through fear of failure concerns

As you can see, the beginnings of working on managing intensities starts with open and honest communications in this area – something that can be hard and scary for most parents and kids. I will be writing some posts in the upcoming weeks that look at Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, Building an Emotional Vocabulary and anything else you all want more info on.

But first, it’s your turn…what do you see as some of the road blocks to building resiliency in our GT kids?

The Joys of Being Overwhelmed…

Happy Monday all! As most of you know, I am a gifted adult and do find myself overwhelmed from time to time. And yes, today is absolutely one of those days. Fatigue from the book launches, new job, and minor health issues no doubt.

So, I will not be bringing you the last part of the resiliency series today – that will resume next week.

Instead, I bring one of my all time favorite and inspirations quotes, courtesy of the Hoagies’ Gifted website and the genius’ behind Apple’s advertising team:

Here’s to the crazy ones.
        The misfits.
            The rebels.
                The troublemakers.
                    The round pegs in the square holes.
                        The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing that you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things.
            They invent.                They imagine.             They heal.
            They explore.              They create.               They inspire.
They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Apple Computer Advertisement

I wish you a fabulous week!

Resiliency Part 2 – Building Connections

Happy Monday. Here we are with part 2 of my resiliency series. Building on the previous post related to mastery, this post focuses on building connections. As I mentioned previously, gifted individuals, both children and adults, are hardwired in ways that present unique challenges to overall resiliency. And while these posts will take a look at some of the inherent problems facing the GT population, I do not want any reader to interpret this to mean that GT individuals are MORE prone to resiliency challenges. I would actually argue that the very nature of giftedness may serve as a well of internal resources helping improve resiliency for most. But we will get into that in a follow-up post or two.

And now, let’s talk about building connections.

Connections refers to the ability to make meaningful relationships with peers and adults, and to derive support from these relationships. In short, it refers to the feeling of having people in your corner who “get you” and “have your back”. Although it is important for children to have actual support, the research is clear that perceived support is far more important with regards to this aspect of resiliency and protection factors.

—Building and having positive connections typically involves the attributes of trust (trusting that the people in your life will not abandon you), support (feeling that those most trusted in your life are supportive of you and your issues/endeavors), comfort (feeling comfortable around people and with your peers and adults), and tolerance (being accepting of others and their unique styles, thought processes and needs).

Obviously, GT kids may run into a few barriers in these areas related to the basic characteristics of giftedness, including some of the following:

—Building Connections:

• —Like minded peers vs. typically developing peers
• Difficulties developing relationships in general related to giftedness
• Introverts vs extroverts

Imposter Syndrome and its impact

• —Perceived Support vs Real Support
• Rigid and narrow definitions of friendship, support, and/or expectations
• Adaptability issues like those discussed under Mastery

Tolerance

• OEs (intensities)
• —Rigid thinking (yes, this does keep coming up!)
• —Resistance to change

As you can see, this is another aspect of resiliency that can pose unique problems. So, how do we help? Like mastery, I think the answer starts with parents and/or educators understanding their own challenges with regards to building connections and Imposter Syndrome. We must reframe our difficulties, paying attention to any challenges we have with rigid thinking. As we do this for ourselves, we learn how to help our children do the same. Furthermore, by regularly looking inward at our own perceptions and behaviors, we cultivate an environment conducive to self-reflection and analysis. This environment, then, provides a risk free way for our children to do the same.

What do you think? Can you see ways in which your own thinking (or the thinking of your children) works against your development of strong and supportive connections?