Redefining Normal…and a plea for help

I am so excited to be jumping into the writing part of my empowerment project for girls. In this project, REDEFINING NORMAL, I am tackling the topic of resiliency and empowerment with a book written specifically for girls in the early teen years. The book includes strategies, quizzes and stories from other teens and adults – stories that focus on finding your voice and coming into your own and a strong young woman.

And this is where you come in -

I am actively looking for young adult and adult women to share their stories of self-discovery with me – things they have learned, ways they have become stronger, etc. If YOU are interested in sharing a story or being interviewed, CLICK HERE and complete the form. I will be contacting people in the next few weeks.

And please – SPREAD THE WORD!!! I really think this can be a powerful tool for girls at a time when they need it most.

THANK YOU!

Intensity of Brilliance

As we look at art or nature we can see vibrant brilliance in an array of color combinations.  The sun shines brilliantly.  The reflection off the water is brilliant.  The stars in the night sky are shining with pinpoint luminosity.  Drawing on black paper with white pencil brings forth brilliance of the white and the layers of color.  We see the intensity of the brilliance.

The high pitched excitement in the voice; the glow of the face with the sparkle in the eyes; the quick erratic movements; the rapid fire of ideas and speech – are the intense expression of brilliance.

The keen awareness and response to the sounds, smells, and lights around us; the sensitivity to the environment and the emotions of others; the vivid mind pictures and seeing the interconnections of ideas, concepts, problems, solutions – are part of the intensity of brilliance.

Our lives are full of color – every shade and hue.  Each facet of the diamond creates a brilliant reflection of the inner composition and potential.  In the rough, without understanding of what lies beneath, without development through polishing, without the cuts to create the expression, without the connection of the inner and outer or artist and material, the intensity of the brilliance will be missed.

Sacred expression of the brilliance with intensity

The black paper – nothing – the void

The circle in white – containing a portion of the void

The quiet place within

The question posed

The swirling of the mist – clearing with a vision – a visual answer

Taking up the white pencil, allowing the image to be seen

Distinct marks, shadowing, creating varied intensities of white

The image takes form – living element all of its own

To the quiet place again – colors whirling, settling, vivid, intense, brilliant

The void within the circle is shining with the white – the luminescent light

Colors are chosen

Pigments applied

The void is now a living reflection of the vision

The intense brilliance presents its opportunity  — YOU

I interrupt this blog to…

Hey all!

I just had to tell you about a few giveaways and deep ramblings related to my fiction life! The Requiem Series is officially out with the release of DIES IRAE. And, to celebrate, I am doing a virtual tour. Today, I’m getting all deep talking about the creative process (a la Rollo May and Paul Tillich), writing about the dark stuff (a la Jung), and what the titles (DIES IRAE and LACRIMOSA) actually refer too (a la Mozart). Check it out if you like my deep philosophical ramblings.

Oh, and be sure to check out my blog for the current contests to win your OWN copy of the novella (suitable for teens and adults alike).

WOO HOO!

Feeling like a Fraud – part 2!

Monday I shared some of my opinions about the fraud-like feelings many gifted and creative people feel about themselves. You’re comments and emails were fabulous – thank you!

Today I’d like to share a few strategies:

• Dealing with praise: As I said in the last post, praise for the sake of praise is exceptionally damaging to children. That DOES NOT mean don’t praise. But it does mean that praise should be specific and performance oriented, something the child can link too.
• Self Esteem:  Self-esteem is something I hear about constantly from parents and teachers. There are several ways to help build a child’s esteem, and most of it has to do with the basics of effective parenting. Children need to feel safe and loved in order to develop a healthy level of self-esteem. That means that the household needs to have clear expectations and boundaries (these create a feeling of safety), and you must hold a high positive regards for your child. That doesn’t mean you are never going to get angry – you are. But don’t confuse angry with a situation with angry with a person. Make sure you differentiate it to the child as well.
• The nature of giftedness - As I mentioned in the other post, gifted children and adults are hard-wired in such a way that this impostor-type feeling comes very naturally. Understanding the full nature of giftedness is essential if you are going to help coach your children to understand and combat this type of thinking. You need to teach them that their brains will make incorrect connections, that their assumptions about themselves and their peers are going to be wrong at times.  Gifted kids often associated giftedness and intellect with genetics, meaning that you are born being smart. Period. It isn’t something you can learn. So, if they make a mistake on their homework or a test, they decide it MUST mean they are NOT smart. You, as the parent and primary coach for your child, need to help correct that way of thinking – constantly.

The bottom line: Feeling like a fraud is a common feeling – not only amongst the gifted, but amongst everyone at some point as we wrestle with the development of identity. Gifted individuals, feel everything at an extreme level and the inadequacies are often blown into huge proportions. The strategies listed above will help. But the most important thing you can do is help your child develop an internalized positive sense of self. Take the time to remind your child that they and they alone can determine their feelings and actions in a given situation. If they are feeling undeserving of some accolade they have received, ask them why? Have them logic it out, guiding (not directing) them to the errors in their thinking. In doing this you are helping them learn to discern between fact and fiction in their thoughts, as well as helping them learn personal strategies to combat the negative feelings that come up from time to time.

Developing a strong enough sense of self to work through periods of inadequacy, periods of feeling like an imposter, takes time and hard work.  But it is our child’s work, not ours. Our job is to coach and provide support – not do.

I’ve said this in previous posts, but I think it bears repeating…

Never do for someone else something they can do for themselves. Never

Why, you may ask….

Because it gives the message that they are incapable of doing it. Over time, this can lead to the imposter syndrome. Also, it creates an internalized feeling of inadequacy.

If, on the other hand, you have your child figure things out – guiding and supporting, but never doing – you will give them the gift of internal strength. You will teach them that they CAN and WILL overcome whatever faulty thinking they have.

And that skill will enable them to redirect those feelings of inadequacy as they surface.

What are your thoughts on this? What other questions do you have? Are there times when you have done too much for your child, or contributed to your own faulty thinking?

Feeling like a Fraud

So, as some of you who read my other blog know, this weekend was EPIC! I actually finished the last major pass of revisions on my young adult novel.  What I didn’t mention on my other blog was the difficulty I had pushing through the last 50 pages. With every word, I kept thinking “man I suck at this.” “There is NO WAY I can do this.” “I am such a fraud.”

Fraud.

That’s a pretty strong word.

Fraud.

Many emotionally intense people wrestle with fraud-like feelings. Every day. And yes, by many I am including myself. No matter what nice emails I receive from readers, or the nice words from my beta readers when they critique my novels, I still feel like a fraud most days.

When I chat with my friends, the majority feel the same way – more often than they’d like to admit too. And the intense kids that I talk to…yeah, they feel the same way!

But why…why do we feel like a fraud, despite all evidence to the contrary? I think it has to do with some of the following factors:

• Self Esteem - Many creative people (and GT people) wrestle with esteem, or their overall picture of themselves and their ability to connect with peers and function in the world. Esteem is different from self-efficacy, which refers to a belief in one’s ability to be successful at a certain task. Gifted kids typically have great self-efficacy and lousy self-esteem. I think the esteem difficulties has a lot to do with what it means to be gifted, and goes back to what we talked about last week – the need of the child to develop an INTERNAL sense of self that is positive, and not dependent on outside feedback. All too often we allow our gifted kids to constantly seek approval outside of themselves. As parents, we over-help and maybe even over-protect – all in the name of advocating for our kids. Now, don’t get me wrong – it IS important to advocate for or kids…but he HAVE TO make sure we are teaching and guiding our children to find an INTERNAL positive high regard. That is the best way to develop a healthy self-esteem.
• Praise - Praise – or rather the type of praise that typically occurs at home and at school – is another factor that I think contributes to this imposter problem. Too often praise is given without being linked to a specific act. We say things like “You’re so smart, Johnny” or “Great job. You just do all of this so well.”  These statements are generic and do not help the child. They provide feedback that is not specific and  while it feels good to hear it, it sets up the problem of searching outside of ones self to find validation. If we connect the praise to specific actions - ”Johnny, that is a great picture you drew. I love the detail in te landscape,” or “Becky, thank you for cleaning your room this morning without being reminded. That really helps all of us.” – the chid understands why the praise is given and links it to their actions – not use is as a means to validate their existence.
• The Nature of Creativity and Giftedness - And finally, the biggest contributor to this imposter syndrome is the nature of creativity and giftedness themselves. Having a brain that makes immediate connections between seemingly unrelated things is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, our brains lie – making connections that are WRONG. Ha! Try convincing a gifted kid of that!!! But it is true. I think some of the Imposter Syndrome comes into play as a gifted child – or adult – begins to see the errors in connections that the brain has made and automatically forms a new connection…mistake = stupid which means I can not be gifted. Another lie from our brain. We have to teach our kids how to discern correct from incorrect information if we are going to help them correct their thought processes on this stuff.

 

So, what do you think? Do you feel like an imposter – a fraud – at times??

 

Oh the noise, the noise, the noise, noise, noise, noise…

Noise.

We all have it, that mental chatter that fills our minds and clutters our thoughts. It gets worse and louder as time goes on, becoming its own entity.

For me, the noise of everyday life and common stressors inhibits the creative process. It morphs into negative tapes of self-doubt that can crush the most confident of endeavors.

Noise.

But, there is nothing like a 22-hour solo road trip to quiet all of that noise and regain perspective. I took my road trip last week for many reasons. But mostly, I knew I needed to spend some quality time with me.

Without the kids.

Without my hubby.

Without the common distractions that prevent us from clearing out the noise periodically.

It was a great trip. Not only have a regained my focus on some writerly goals, but the noise is significantly quieted. Oh sure, the negative self-talk makes an appearance from time to time, but it is not so self-consuming anymore.

During the trip a few songs repeated on my XM and Pandora stations. This one, Jason Mraz’s Details in the Fabric, felt particularly cathartic on the trip, serving as a reminder that the angst I often feel, the angst I think most of us feel from time to time, is nothing more than noise clogging our creative filters.

In the words of Mr Mraz:

All the details in the fabric,

Are the thoughts that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling.

There is just something about those lyrics I love.

So, as I leave you with a little Mraz singing this song, I have a question for you? How is the noise in your head? Does is need to be cleared out?

Whacha doing Weds…

Hey all… Happy Weds!

Thought I’d stop in and let you know what I’ve been working on during my hiatus.

Um….

Well….

Okay, nothing.

Yep, nothing. Oh, I’ve been reading (Just finished two of the best books I’ve read yet this year), and critting (yep, those mss were some of the best things I’ve read all year too)…

But writing

Yeah…nope.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I’ve been in this weird writing funk of late, unable to get past a certain point of the process with my WiPs. I’ve fought against this for a while and finally…FINALLY…I’m just chillaxin about it. After all, at this exact moment I have no official deadlines. I have a few projects I’m waiting to hear about, but until I do..I have time.

Time and freedom.

So, instead of freaking out and playing “beat the clock” for fear that everyone I know will cross some mythical finish line before me, I’ve decided to just go with the flow…
And chill.
Live life.
Read, read, read.
And yea, write. Eventually.
Good plan? I don’t know…but it is what I’m going with for now!

What about you. What are you working on?

Fiction Friday – Working with RAGE

It’s time to stretch those writing muscles again and get in touch with our inner rage. Ok, may not OUR rage, but the rage of our characters. What makes them spiral into the depths of deep and poignant rage? What makes them willing to commit…murder, mayhem and other atrocities?

As writers, I would argue that we NEED to know this about our characters, even if they don’t do any of those actual things within the storyline.

Knowing the extremes of our characters emotions enables us to craft fully realized, three dimensional characters whose motivation is rooted in the emotional makeup of the person – just like we are.

So, do yourself a favor and look at the EXTREMES of your character’s emotions.

Try this exercise -

Set a timer for 20 minutes and finish this sentence from the POV of your character. Don’t edit, don’t go back and change anything – just write from the hip and “channel” your character’s voice…

“I hate….”

Fully embrace your character’s feelings and describe, in extreme detail, the depth of hatred and rage your character is feeling. Use sensory words. And if you get stuck…start with the sentence an continue on.

So? How’d it go???

All in a kiss…

Happy Valentine’s Day! In honor of love, hugs and of course….kisses,I am participating in the Just Kiss Already blogfest from Stina Lindenblatt and Christina Lee.

Here is a tiny little excerpt of a kissing scene in my YA Goth novel, A BEAUTIFUL MESS.

Enjoy:

            His touch sears me. I pull away, barely able to speak. “Aydan? You’re here?”

            “Be with me,” he says, kissing my jaw, my neck, my shoulder. Every spot his mouth touches closes the empty spaces inside.

            A storm of desire gathers in my soul. Not just desire – need. “I shouldn’t…can’t—”

            Aydan stops and looks at me, his amber eyes as beautiful now as the day we met in Germany. “Tell me you don’t love me.”

            I try to form the words. Try to lie. But every cell, human and angelic, reaches out for him. Every thought – only him. I fall back into him, giving in to everything I desire.

            He wraps me in a hungry kiss, erasing the pain, the torment, the anguish. All that remains is my need. My love.

            “Let me have you. Love you,” he says, his voice trembling.

            I open my mouth to respond, the words nothing but dust. A single moan escapes as he draws me into another kiss.

            Somehow he reaches every dark corner of my soul, healing the betrayal and pain from so long ago. I want for nothing but him. This moment.

            For an eternity.

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!

Progress? What Progress?

Okay, so today we’re keeping it real and talking about our abandoned mss. You know, the ones we start with the best of intentions and then desert somewhere between 15 and 30K.

Or am I the only one who does this? Gosh, I hope I’m not the only one…I mean, I based this post on the assumption that everyone is as much of a freak as I am….

Hmm….

Oh well, I guess it’s too late to end this now.

So, about those mss…

Why do we abandon them? Is it a fear thing? A planning thing? Or something else entirely?

For me, the answer is easy….fear.

I freak out over something stupid and let myself get stuck. Maybe I read a book with too similar a premise. Or maybe I get stuck over a structure issue. Or maybe I just lose faith.

Whatever it is, I have files of unfinished mss.

And this year…this is the year I am pulling them out. I may decide they were “practice” and nothing more. Or, I may find that there is something worth working on.

Whatever I figure out, one thing is certain…no more abandoned mss. At least, not if my CPs have anything to say about it

So, tell me about your story….do you write and run, abandoning things before they’re done? Why? And please tell me I am not the only one who does this…

Pretty please.