Understanding Resiliency

Simply defined, resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity. It involves several components, including the following:

• Mastery
• Connections
• Emotional Intensity

Gifted individuals, both children and adults, are hardwired in ways that present unique challenges to overall resiliency. And while these posts will take a look at some of the inherent problems facing the GT population, I do not want any reader to interpret this to mean that GT individuals are MORE prone to resiliency challenges. I would actually argue that the very nature of giftedness may serve as a well of internal resources helping improve resiliency for most. 

MASTERY

Mastery specifically refers to a person’s ability to understand and analyze the cause/effect relationship between effort and results. It involves how a child views his or her individual ability to master the environment; whether or not he or she believes that working hard will, in fact, lead to improved outcomes.

Mastery involves the attributes of optimism (the ability to see the glass as half-full and feel positive about the future), adaptability (the ability to change and adapt to environmental/situational changes), and self-efficacy (different from self-esteem, this specifically relates to a person’s belief that he or she has the ability to perform successfully in a given situation).

As seen from the definition above, there are several areas in which gifted kids may struggle related to the very nature of giftedness. Some of the more typical challenges may include the following:

Optimism -

• Feelings of inadequacy due to a mismatch between ability and previous achievements
• 2E situations
• Perfectionism and the belief that making errors means you are not gifted
• Fear of failing resulting in poor risk taking
• All or nothing belief structure (“I either know it all, or don’t know anything”)

Self-efficacy

• The belief that teachers/parents have unrealistically high expectations for performance
• Same rigidity, perfectionism, and fear of failure discussed above

Adaptability:

• Inflexible in thinking processes
• Intensities (you will see this come up a lot)
• Resistance to accepting help
• Resistance to change

As you can see, there are a lot of potential problems facing our gifted children related to the very nature of giftedness.

 

So what do we do to help? I think the answer is two-fold (as always). First, as parents and/or educators, we need to accept our own difficulties in these areas. Identify them, and work to consciously correct our inaccurate thinking. Reframe “normal” for ourselves. Then we need to help our children do the same. Talk with them about their feeling related to this domain – help them see where their thinking may be not only counterproductive, but just plan incorrect. Help them learn to recognize the times and ways in which their thoughts are inaccurate.

 

By doing this – by understanding mastery and the ways it can adversely impact kids, you are positioning yourself to act as an “emotional” coach for them – something that I believe will lead to improved outcomes.

CONNECTIONS

Connections refers to the ability to make meaningful relationships with peers and adults, and to derive support from these relationships. In short, it refers to the feeling of having people in your corner who “get you” and “have your back”. Although it is important for children to have actual support, the research is clear that perceived support is far more important with regards to this aspect of resiliency and protection factors.

—Building and having positive connections typically involves the attributes of trust (trusting that the people in your life will not abandon you), support (feeling that those most trusted in your life are supportive of you and your issues/endeavors), comfort (feeling comfortable around people and with your peers and adults), and tolerance (being accepting of others and their unique styles, thought processes and needs).Obviously, GT kids may run into a few barriers in these areas related to the basic characteristics of giftedness, including some of the following:

—Building Connections:

• —Like minded peers vs. typically developing peers
• Difficulties developing relationships in general related to giftedness
• Introverts vs extroverts

Imposter Syndrome and its impact

• —Perceived Support vs Real Support
• Rigid and narrow definitions of friendship, support, and/or expectations
• Adaptability issues like those discussed under Mastery

Tolerance

• OEs (intensities)
• —Rigid thinking (yes, this does keep coming up!)
• —Resistance to change

 

As you can see, this is another aspect of resiliency that can pose unique problems. So, how do we help? Like mastery, I think the answer starts with parents and/or educators understanding their own challenges with regards to building connections and Imposter Syndrome. We must reframe our difficulties, paying attention to any challenges we have with rigid thinking. As we do this for ourselves, we learn how to help our children do the same. Furthermore, by regularly looking inward at our own perceptions and behaviors, we cultivate an environment conducive to self-reflection and analysis. This environment, then, provides a risk free way for our children to do the same.

 

EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY

Emotional reactivity refers to how a child reacts emotionally to adversity or problems. We already know that Gifted Kids are highly intense. But this emotional reactivity, while actually a good thing, does bring with it the potential for difficulties in the area of resiliency. Some factors that impact a person’s overall emotional reactivity is the depth of their intensities, the time it takes them to emotionally bounce back from a set back, and the level of impairment the emotional intensity may cause.

Gifted children, being more intense than their non-gifted counterparts, have some unique challenges when it comes to emotional reactivity and intensity, including:

• Extreme Intensity
• Rigid thinking that makes recovery difficulty
• Lack of emotional tools

Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to help your child learn to manage their emotional intensities and reactions to events in their lives. Some of these include:

• Build an emotional tool bank
• Teach your child an emotional vocabulary to discuss feelings, and then discuss them regularly
• Discuss perfectionism and imposter syndrome issues openly and often
• Discuss and work through fear of failure concerns

As you can see, the beginnings of working on managing intensities starts with open and honest communications in this area – something that can be hard and scary for most parents and kids. 

Understanding the workings of resiliency is the first step toward assisting our children in developing this part of themselves.

What do you think?

Resiliency: On Bouncing Back from Criticism

Student: Do I have what it takes to be a professional?
Teacher: No.
Observer: Why crush the student’s spirits now?
Teacher: If the student believes me and gives up, then she doesn’t have what it takes. To be a pro in this business, you have to take a comment like that as a spur to work harder.

Being able to bounce after a failure, set-back, or critique is an important life skill. Set-backs, failures, and partial successes are the building blocks of experience. Without the ability to turn failure in to learning, people give up on dreams.

For example, I write stories. As a child, I wrote tall tales and fantasies: wild, wacky, and wonderful – but derivative and full of clichés. As a tween, I turned to more realistic work and starting exploring the effects I could achieve through more subtle use of language. These efforts were of mixed quality – often showing promise, but sometimes failing utterly. One piece that failed got a scathing critique from my English teacher and I stopped writing fiction except when explicitly required for class. I just stopped. I took the critique as a statement of failure and gave up. I was not resilient.

In my case, the need to tell stories and work with language continued. As a teen, I wrote poetry and starting directing plays. I failed to develop the courage to pursue theatre professionally, though I had enough skill to justify the attempt. But, I was not resilient enough. I took a few rejections too personally and gave up.

And then, in my mid-30s, I watched as my brother ran his first marathon and decided it was time to accomplish some of my big goals. And that meant developing grit and resiliency.

It is not an easy task, overcoming decades of training in giving up, but it is a necessary one. For the past few years, I have been consistently pushing myself, learning, and developing. And, I have submitted my work and been rejected. Each rejection hurts and each rejection gives me an opportunity to strengthen my ability to recover and keep going.

I find myself asking how I developed the habit of surrender. Somewhere along the line, I learned to value myself only when I was succeeding. At the same time, I had no practice in working through a challenge to achievement. I grew lazy and apathetic. Perfectionism and an awareness of how far my attempts at writing fell short of the ideals I set for myself combined to make me think it was impossible that I would ever be good. And I had no external guide or mentor to nurture, support, and push me.

Now, I know I need external goads, so I have put some external pressures in place, pressures so strong they scare me. I have asked people who are either better writers or more demanding readers than I am to read and critique my work. These are not only people I want to learn from, but people I want to respect me, people I want to impress. I don’t expect to impress them with my work now, but I hope I can at least demonstrate an admirable work ethic and growth curve. I expect to be kicked to the curb often as I strive to learn what they have to teach me.

In my youth, I would never have felt safe seeking out a challenge where I expect to fail at first. Now, I recognize that without the willingness to be a beginner and to risk failure and embarrassment, I will never develop the skills I desire.

I wish I had learned to be resilient earlier in my life, but I trust it is not too late for me.

___________________________________________________

Kate writes about creativity and story-telling as tools for making sense of the world at www.katearmsroberts.com.

Sometimes I sit and think

You have a lot of time to think when a dentist is drilling your tooth for your very first crown. Thinking is about all you can do. Talking is surely impossible, as every dental implement known to man is crowded into your maw in an exciting game of “Will This Fit Too?” Listening to music is nearly impossible, for the drill is screaming like a banshee inches from your ear. Your hands are tightly entwined, breathing is the slow focused pattern you used last during childbirth, and the dental assistant points out to Sir Drillmaster that “she’s not in pain, I think that is her relaxed face.”

So you sit and think.

You sit and think about how you came to find yourself here in a dentist’s chair. You think about how strong your teeth have been, and how despite your perfect oral hygiene you also have wickedly strong jaw muscles. You think back on your 30 years of flute playing, and how stretched out your neck and jaw muscles must be on the right side, after so many years of playing with your head to the left. You think about the stress you’ve always had, and how it has gradually crescendoed since you became a mother a dozen years ago.

And you think about your strong jaws and stretched neck muscles and incessant stress, and you know the TMJ has won. Playing flute hurts (but it’s tolerable) and you’ve cracked at least one tooth from the clenching. The stress won. It won.

Because your bite is so messed up it takes nearly twice as long to set the temporary crown, you have even more time to think. You think about over-excitabilities and innate wiring and inner reactions to outside stressors and how many times you’ve tried to manage your stress and how many times you’ve failed.  You wonder if you’re always going to feel this way, and what the stress could do to your body next, and you feel sad. Eventually you feel lightheaded, but that’s from reclining nearly upside-down for 90 minutes.

You realize as you stumble out the door to the car that you have more thinking to do. About self-care and stress and living an epic life instead of a to-do list. But that thinking will have to wait, for ibuprofen and muscle relaxants and soup will prevent any kind of coherent thought.

My Body feels drained or is it my Soul?

That point of total exhaustion – and yes, it is body, mind, and soul.  Having immersed myself in various projects – many times simultaneously (somewhat out of necessity), I reach a point where there are no more resources to draw on.  The ‘to do’ and ‘want to’ lists have not gone away, just running below empty.   Yes, below empty because the output is more than full tilt.  Nurturing the Soul just became a necessity.

Do you ever get to that point?

Picture -  hands wringing, pacing, face scrunched, saying “What to do, what to do?”

Best starting point is BREATHING.   I also fall back on some of my techniques and modalities for reconnecting and rejuvenating my body, mind, and soul.  I use Jin Shin Acupressure, Flower Essences, drawing Mandalas, breathing, exercise, walks (especially in nature settings), reading, and have to watch out or eating enters the formula.    Then I give myself permission to stop and play; not to have to do it all today.

The trick is to build nurturing the Soul into the daily routine.  The intensity of life’s “routine” experiences requires frequent nurturing of the Soul.

Another wearing on the Soul is that many times nurturing can be very exuberant and watch out for the reactions of others. –à Lean your head back, shake your hair from side to side with a gentle breeze caressing you, and laugh out loud.  Be comfortable in your own skin and the Soul shines through.  (And yes singing in the shower or dancing in the garage is ok too.)

PLAY– Something that will make our hearts sing, souls dance, and can be remembered again and again with joy and happiness.  Barbara Brennen in ‘The Gift of Play’.

Yes nurture your Soul through play.  Play often – it is productive, it nurtures your soul!

What do you do to Nurture your Soul?  How do you PLAY?

___________________________________________________

Edith shares more thoughts, tools, and experiences at How To In Life

Unconditional

It’s an easy, alluring trap to fall into, and I do it more often than I’d like to.

It starts so simply; one or another of them will come up to me, waving a piece of paper or a Lego monstrosity or a frog made out of craft foam, and more often than not, it’s pretty amazing. E cornered me the other day and insisted on taking me on a tour of her Minecraft island; inside her mansion is a lava-powered hot tub, a vending machine that dispenses cooked chickens, and – in the back yard – a roller coaster. She’s wiring up half the island for zombie/creeper detection with pressure plates and redstone (whatever that is; I’ve gleaned from conversation that it’s a form of crude electrical wiring) and wants me to see every square inch of her defensive perimeter.

It’s pretty amazing. And I told her so, and off she went, beaming with pride.

Did you see it happen there? It was pretty subtle. What happened is this: I unbalanced the praise equation, tilting it away from gifted-is-wiring, and toward gifted-is-output. In so doing, I created an obligation for myself to get her in a random, decidedly nonproductive moment, and tell her she’s an awesome kid, to counterbalance this moment.  That’s the way of emotional intensity. They’ve already soared to a personal emotional ‘high’ based on what they’ve created. Seeking out my approval, or Kathy’s, just takes them that much higher. Trouble is, I don’t want them to think that they have to do something to merit praise and attention – because there will be days they don’t feel like ‘producing,’ and I need each of them to know that those days are good days, too. They’re good kids on those days.

There’s nothing wrong with praising output; in this house, there’s lots of output, and I really am impressed with all of it. Output is great. But so is non-output. They’re amazing kids when they’re wiring their Minecraft islands and when they’re asleep and when they’re brushing their teeth and when they’re writing and when they’re not writing and when they are laughing and when asynchrony makes them act nine and nineteen and twenty-nine. Teaching them that gifted is wiring, not output, requires an endless rebalancing of this equation. It’s made that much harder, I’ve noticed, when they’re in their en fuego output phases, when my desk piles up with H’s cartoon cards and the floor of A’s room is awash in Legos, part of his never-ending quest to build a convincing Pelican (from Halo) and E is working out the finer points of a Minecraft dirigible.

I have to work harder to catch them in their sleepy moments, their regular-kid moments, running around the yard and shooting Nerf guns at each other and singing about the Batmobile losing a wheel. Some weeks, I don’t ever find those moments; they run at full-blast from the time they get up until the last joule of energy dissipates and dreams overtake them, and I’m left to whisper their awesomeness into sleeping ears before pulling a blanket up and kissing them goodnight. But I know at those moments that there is work to be done. Leave the equation unbalanced too long, and that toxic message would begin to seep into them, the errant concept that I love them for what they do instead of who they are.

_______________________________________________________

Dave Mayer posts regularly with his wife, Kathy, on Chasing Hollyfeld.

Finding a Kindred Spirit

It isn’t easy for me to make friends. I can be friendly with any number of people, and I can be “friends” with a wide variety of personality types. What I have a hard time with, is finding someone who actually “gets” me. I have theorized that perhaps some of the reason why I  have found it somewhat difficult to find that “kindred spirit” might have something to do with the places I have lived. Though I have always lived in or near Southern California, which is considered a “blue” state, I tend to end up living in “red” towns.  I haven’t done any research on this. My theories are based only on anecdotal evidence, so perhaps just a tad biased?

I have noticed that the friends I have the most in common with, tend to also live in “blue” states. They tend to be more socially liberal. They tend to have more well thought out responses to political posts, rather than having emotional outbursts. They tend to have a stronger appreciation for the science fiction genre than others. They usually know what I’m talking about when I mention The Doctor (and wouldn’t dream of writing “the dr.”) and realize that the only proper response to, “No more rhyming, now, I mean it!” is, “Does anybody want a peanut?”  Honestly, the other day I saw a license plate that said, “2 BLAVE” and I almost ran them off the road to see if they would please be friends with me! I realized that might not be the best way to begin things, so reluctantly, I allowed them to drive on.

Of course I have plenty of friends who don’t know what I’m talking about when I mention The TARDIS or Cylons, or say “Make it so, Number One.” That would actually describe the majority of people I’m friends with in real life. If I limited myself to only those I considered kindred spirits I would have zero to  perhaps one or two, in-person friends. Being somewhat of an introvert, there are many times when this would be just fine and dandy with me! However, somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize I may need more of a human support system than one or two. And while for me, being alone for very, very long stretches of time is what recharges my batteries, I still need human contact so I don’t start talking to myself out loud. In public. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Contact with my friends can be supportive and nurturing, but nothing compares to having someone who truly “gets” me with all my weirdness and contradictory quirks.

How the heck do I nurture my soul??

Not long ago at a seminar I attended, I did an exercise that asked everyone to draw what they wanted to be as a child. We shared our drawings with the group I was in. Some drew cowboys, others superheroes, and I drew a knight slaying a dragon. At first I wondered the relevance of my thought, but I quickly realized how accurate it was. I fight for the just causes, even when they may be against great odds. This is what nurtures me. I have trained to be an advocate for disabilities, how to meet with Senators and Representatives and tell my stories in a persuasive manor, and how to bring a community together to spotlight social injustice. This is what nurtures my soul. Unfortunately, this is not what brings in a paycheck.

I would go broke fighting against social injustice. Oh wait, I already have! I’d fight against discrimination even if it cost me grades in college. It did. I would fight for fair treatment of others even if it caused lost friendship. Were they really worth my friendship if they didn’t have an open mind of acceptance? I don’t believe so.

When I was in the Navy, there was a guy named Hill. He was from Tennessee. Before joining the Navy I drove through Tennessee and a cashier had difficulty making change when I bought gas, so in my mind, Tennessee was not a state of great minds. I met Hill in Boot Camp and as a Company (unit), we had to carry him through. He could barley get himself dressed at times. (Honest to goodness, dress inspection day, he had his t-shirt on backwards).  Mind-bogglingly we were both entering the nuclear program. In A-school we all took a math test and somehow Hill scored a 4.0 (he passed) on day one. I forced myself to sit down with Hill and have a conversation with him.  He had a slow drawl and pronounced nuclear as well as former president G. W. Bush, and it was painful to have a conversation with him, but soon I realized how brilliant he really was. It was my prejudice that had kept me from seeing such a great mind.

Since that time in the military 25 years ago, I’ve met some other brilliant people who are trapped inside disabled bodies, and still discriminated against. I’ve met students who are thought to be stupid because they have a learning disability, but are also gifted. I know people who are believed by some to have less value because they have any number of disabilities. I will fight for them until my last breath. Some of it maybe for them, but really, this is what nurtures my soul, so I really fight for them because I want to be that knight, even when the societal dragon breathes fire and leaves me banged up pretty bad at times. That’s how I nurture my soul.

I realize I took the topic to a personal level rather than with the broad “gifted” class in mind, but I feel each of us has an internal rhythm that pulses in a magical way when we find ourselves moving closer toward our entelechy, and THAT is what nurtures our soul.

And just to let you know, the image at the top was NOT the one I drew.  My drawing ability pretty much peaks about where stick-figures begin.

Be still my soul

Put on your oxygen mask first.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Make time for yourself; if you don’t, who will?

We’ve all heard these, we all know they’re valid and important, and we know we should abide by the simple rule of self-care.

Then why is it so hard?

I am the parent of a challenging twice-exceptional son. It has been a marathon at a sprinting pace since he was born. He is always on and I need to be as well; to stay one step ahead of him, to try to keep him safe, to revive and nurture the gifted soul within that was nearly damaged beyond repair. I am the parent of his younger brother, who has his own needs and quirks, and is nearly as demanding as his brother. I am the wife of an intense man, gifted in so many ways, and challenging in so many more.

But in order to nurture those sensitive souls found inside my home, I must do the same for myself first. And I fail miserably. Because I need to be on to stay ahead of it all, I have a very hard time turning off. When I was in college, I would come home on breaks, and for the first 48 hours or so I would just pace and shake. I was convinced I had something that needed to get done. A paper that needed writing, a flute piece to prepare for juries, a final that needed just a little more preparation. But there was nothing, and my psyche wouldn’t believe it. Things had been so stressful and I had been so overextended for so long that it took some time to come down off that ledge.* There is none of that release today; now I have a little hut on that ledge and I never leave.

This year I decided I’d had enough. I’m gradually…sadly it’s so very gradually as to be nearly imperceptible…making changes to nurture my own soul so I can support and nurture others’. You know how you keep hearing about the physical manifestations of stress? I’m starting to see and feel too many of them, and that frightens me (as do the resultant medical bills). I have a birthday ending in a zero this year, and I’d like to see another four or five zero-ending birthdays.

Because we parent gifted kids, and/or we’re married to gifted spouses, and/or we’re gifted ourselves, we need to step back from all the chaotic intensities and care for ourselves. We run the risk of burning ourselves out on the very life that entrances us. I’m very slowly bringing some self-care into my life, changes that will return me to me, and I welcome you to join me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*I really want to smack college Jen upside the head; she didn’t know stressful and overextended.

Nurturing the Creative Soul? Yea, sure…

This month’s topic, Nurturing the Soul of the Gifted, is so appropriate for me. I have been spending the better part of the year trying to achieve some sort of balance within and nurture a part of me that I have spent too much of the past year ignoring. It has been a difficult journey most days, as old habits push their way to the forefront of my thoughts and the new habits I am cultivating – things like healthy living, regular meditation, my daily pages – get lost in the daily routine.

But every now and then, when I catch myself enjoying the site of a beautiful fresh flower, or stopping to watch a bird sing in the window outside my home, I am reminded that this, like most journeys, begins with a single step, a moment of action.

Action.

Not wallowing in angst. Not regret or sadness. Action.

But not any kind of action. Deliberate action that moves me in the direction of my dreams. Action that places my life, my soul, front and center. This is the type of action I have taken all year; baby steps with one goal in mind – live authentically.

It is no small task to live an authentic life. But, in placing that as my goal, I am nurturing the deepest aspects of my soul. And I am filled with purpose and joy.

So….

I guess I am right where I should be after all.

How about all of you? Are you nurturing your soul, living creatively, and being authentic?

Am I Nurturing Myself?

Or am I finding more ways to aggravate the stress? I don’t really have a solid plan anymore. It’s just kind of this vague, fuzzy glob of thoughts. My oldest two kids have moved out. One of them almost a thousand miles away, the other less than fifteen minutes away. I still have my twelve-year-old at home, but let’s face it, she’s pretty much self-service these days. I don’t exist unless she needs for something like providing some type of food that she can’t (read too lazy to) fix herself, to drive her places she can’t (or is too lazy to) walk to, or buy things she can’t afford –which is pretty much everything since she is unemployed. I’m a stay-at-home mom. In the old days, I was busy with getting kids to school, making sure they had their lunch money, homework done, do laundry, grocery shopping and any housework that wasn’t already covered by their chores. Now that allergies and aggravated back and knee issues have greatly reduced the amount of housework I do, in many ways, the vast majority of my day seems to be spent “nurturing” myself.

I read, novels, non-fiction, articles on the internet that I found when doing a search for something else. I write. Lately, the only writing I’ve been doing is right here. I haven’t posted anything on my own blog, and I’ve been neglecting my fiction writing. I’m supposed to be doing Camp NaNoWriMo this month, which is a scaled down version of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), but so far, every day, something has come up to eat into my writing time, from the cat losing a battle with a razor left in the bathtub, to spending over two hours at the pharmacy because of computer mix ups, combined with a new computer system that is apparently complicated to learn. I knit and crochet. That is fantastic for nurturing my soul. If only I could read or write and knit or crochet at the same time! I like to multi-task whenever possible. I feel less guilty. I tend to feel guiltier when reading or watching TV or a movie than I do when writing or doing needle work. I guess in the latter cases, I feel like I’m at least “producing” something, even if it’s only for one person. The phrase, “A productive member of society” comes to mind. I feel guilty not being as productive around the house as I think I should be, so I rationalize that if I am at least involved in productive activities, then I’m not a complete parasite. So I guess in my case, any activity that lessens the constant cloud of guilt hanging over my head is nurturing.