Some Challenges of Being Gifted and a Parent

If you search the web for “gifted parent,” you will find many resources aimed at parents of gifted children. It is much harder to find resources to address parenting as a gifted adult.

Parenting as a gifted adult can have challenges that relate specifically to the giftedness of the parents.

For example, observe how the 5 categories of intensity known as Dabrowski’s Overexcitabilities might make parenting more challenging.

• Psychomotor: Children crave the physical and mental presence of their parents. As a parent with psychomotor overexcitabilites, slowing down enough to really notice what is going on with your children may be challenging. Or maybe it is hard to slow down enough for kids to follow what you are saying. Maybe you have have trouble speaking in the short, direct sentences that are easy for developing minds to process. Maybe it is hard to stop talking and let the kids have a chance to speak.

• Intellectual: Parents with intellectual overexcitabilities run the risk of analyzing everything their children do, never being able to simply enjoy a moment. Reading all the parenting books and the scientific research on education and parenting may be interesting, but if it detracts from paying attention to the child in front of you, is it helpful? Or imagine the parent who when asked a question says, “Let’s look that up” and reads the relevant Wikipedia page and all of it’s hyperlinks even though the child’s question was answered in the first sentence. What about the need to feed an exhausted adult brain with something intellectually challenging?

• Emotional: General parenting advice often starts with advice to maintain your calm presence at all times in order to provide a stable ground for your child. Emotional overexcitabilities make that exceedingly hard advice to follow.

• Sensual: Hypersensitivity to sounds can make challenging young people a challenge. Children make noise, their toys often make noise. Children are messy; parents with heightened aesthetic responses or sensitivity to textures or smells can find that mess stressful. Finding art and music that appeals to children and parents may be tough.

• Imaginational: A parent who can always imagine the worst-case scenario may become over-protective out of fear.

Overexcitabilities are not the only characteristics of gifted parents that can prove challenging. This is only the beginning. There are few enough resources to help struggling gifted adults out there at all. Finding parenting specific resources is almost impossible.

I am curious to know what wisdom you either have or would like to get about the impact of parental giftedness on parenting. Maybe we can become a resource for those who need advice or companionship. Please share in the comments.

Gifted, creative, or ADHD?

The last few weeks have brought several articles on ADHD and its impact on kids. SENG (Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted) had a news release on how it plans to alert pediatricians on the similarities of ADHD and gifted traits (and for this I am grateful). The New York Times released a controversial opinion piece on how ADHD drugs don’t work long term, and the Times’ Motherlode blog replied with a thoughtful post. Finally, the Wall Street Journal’s article on Ritalin and creativity suggested that creativity is greatly dampened by ADHD medications.

Well. Great. More noise about ADHD and how it is over-diagnosed and over-prescribed and not a danged thing on what to do about it. Drives me batsnot crazy. See, our 2e son has ADHD.

Or does he?

Could it simply be that he is gifted and his wiring just keeps his body moving non-stop? That school bored him to the point that he tuned out? (Um, yeah, it did…but that’s a post for a different day). That our parenting in his early years affected his brain development and thus his behavior?

Possibly, absolutely, and are you freaking kidding me?

A has always been on the move. Always. In utero he did laps until he played soccer with my kidneys. I stopped wearing shoes with laces when he was two, because I couldn’t get them on fast enough when he’d bolt from Music Together classes. When he was three I asked his pediatrician if he thought A was ADHDish. The answer was yes, but too young to make an official determination. At four we embarked on a yearlong quest to find any other reason for his hyperactivity and difficulty paying attention. Occupational therapy, vision therapy, diet changes, sleep studies, and a tonsillectomy for sleep apnea followed. All this time the curiosity intensified, and he was deemed to be twice-exceptional. At five we finally caved and put him on medication.

And saw this:

This picture means more to me than most. This was the first time my son voluntarily sat down and quietly drew out an idea he had in his head. December 2006. I still have the intricate picture he was working on.

The last five years he’s been doh-see-dohing with various medications, trying to find that delicate balance of efficacy and acceptable side effects. The biggie is loss of appetite. For me that would be awesomesauce; for my 25th percentile son it’s a very fine line. On meds he can focus enough to read, work on inventions, do school with me, has a higher frustration tolerance, and is basically easier to live with. We see the giftedness. Off meds he pings around the house and talking to him is like shouting through a waterfall. And I’m not just talking evenings; he went 18 months off meds a few years ago after some scary side effects joined forces with weight loss. He went back on last spring when it was either that or I was going to wring his neck. That’s where the other E comes out to play.

So are we medicating him simply for our benefit, to make parenting him easier? Are the medications inhibiting his creativity, his ability to express himself? Is his gifted wiring just such that he has to move nonstop and get lost in his own mind, unwilling or unable to listen to others?

Or are these articles simply noise? None of them seem to be written by a parent of an ADHD kid. Sure, it’s easy for an adult to say having ADHD as a kid made him more creative, but I bet his parent was at wits’ end most days. My job is to get this kid to adulthood in one piece, ready challenge life on his terms. If meds help get him there when everything else has failed, does that mean I have failed him? Of course not. I already beat myself up that he’s so thin because of the side effects, I don’t need that joining in.

So here’s what I want to say to all the ADHD OpEd writers (with the exception of SENG, which I think is doing the absolute right thing in raising awareness of ADHD/gifted similarities): Be quiet. Stop. Enough. You do not speak of nor represent all those who have to cope with ADHD. For some the diagnosis and medications were a last resort, and even then the second guessing doesn’t stop. I am not damaging my child by keeping him on ADHD medications, nor am I dulling his creativity. I am providing what he needs, when he needs it, to get him to where he needs to be.

The rest is just noise.

But what about parents?

They have the IEP, the ALP, the 504. They have afterschooling, summer camps, tutors. They have occupational therapy, vision therapy, therapy therapy. They have robotics class, debate team, competitive dance. They have classes and events and mentors.

In a perfect world, gifted kids have these supports. In a perfect world. I’m fully aware that not every gifted or twice-exceptional child has these opportunities, but they exist. They may be expensive, they may be difficult to find, they may be a pain in the neck to schedule and attend, but they exist.

But what about their parents? What’s out there for them?

<crickets>

Yes, there are SENG parenting groups, but they’re few and far between, and are only for a short period of time. Anything else?

<crickets…truck passing down the road…rustling in the bushes that may or may not be a skunk but your dog will surely let you know with great glee-turned-horror>

I’m even going to get a bit more specific. What is out there for parents that isn’t advocacy or ways to help your kid, but specifically for parents?

Not.Much. And it’s frustrating as hell. Here are these incredible kids, we have the honor and frustration of raising them, and the support that is so desperately needed just isn’t there. Our kids aren’t in parenting magazines or most parenting books. Our kids and our parenting needs are here and there on the internet, but are often shouted down by other, more mainstream publications. Last week a Babycenter writer posted a rather insensitive ditty about her perception of gifted kids and their parents. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I fired off a passionate response. And my little piece of the interwebz exploded. The frustration, the pain, the deep need for connection from the parents (mostly moms) who commented left me in tears for days. My own emotional over-excitabilities went into overdrive, my heart breaking for all the parents out there (including me) who were struggling trying to raise these incredible kids, with little organized support but plenty of condescending scorn from society.

I would love nothing more than to see support groups for parents of gifted and twice-exceptional kids. Not to figure out ways to advocate for state funding or 101 ways to convince the school to reverse its cranial-rectal inversion, but parenting. What to do when your kid has a five alarm meltdown over something so trivial your own brain twists itself into a question mark. How to keep your marriage strong when neither partner has the emotional strength to converse after an insanely difficult day. Ways to change the subject when well-meaning family members opine about your child with great fervor. I’d love to see family get-togethers where everyone there is in the same leaky boat and askance looks and snide comments don’t exist. Wine tastings. Lots and lots of wine tastings. Little talk of advocacy or school situations, but lots of I got your back and I know you got mine. If there’s already something like this out there, I haven’t heard about it, and please share if you have.

These amazing kids came into our lives, throwing us into Advanced Parenting (prerequisite: gestation), and our village  doesn’t know what to do with us. We need our own neighborhood in the village, where the hearts and souls and brains of gifted kids and their parents can roam free.

Who’s with me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jen writes over at Laughing at Chaos.

So excited to share….

My article about behavior and being gifted is live on the SENG website. Check it out here: http://www.sengifted.org/articles_parenting/fonseca_seven_strategies.shtml
What do you think?

Party Friday!!!

Hey all, HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

With a successful end to the blog and book tours, I thought I’d use this post to celebrate a few things AND give you deets on my epic end-of-the-tour giveaway going on this weekend.

Let’s start with the fun signing from last night. Barnes and Noble did an epic Teacher Appreciation night. I got to give a little talk, along with two amazing authors – Anne Bromley, author of an amazing picture book THE LUNCH THEIF, and Dawn Knobbe, author of a YA adventure book, RUNAWAY STORM. I met other teachers, a publicist, a few parents and some store execs. It was a fab night. But don’t take my word for it…I have pics

Two areas were set up in the store – one where the other authors and I talked, gave workshops, etc, and one for signing books. And YES, I kept the very cool signage! (yep, I am a geek)

First, I talked with the crowd:

Then, I made friends:

And finally, I signed a few books!

 AN EPIC night all the way around. I stocked signed a few copies for the store, so if you live near Oceanside, CA and want to QUICKLY get a copy of the book (it is still a 4-week turn with Amazon), stop by the Barnes and Noble and check it out in the parenting book section!

Next up, the blog tour. There are still a few chances to win a signed copy of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY IN GIFTED STUDENTS in a few remaining contests:

• Margaret Barney  ends 10/17
• Thomas Furman  - ends 10/20
• Lisa Amowitz - ends 10/19

Needs more reasons to enter the contests or leave comments during the tour…

As a THANK YOU to all of you that have made this launch so darn amazing, I am giving away an EMOTIONAL INTENSITY SWAG PACK of bookmarks, sticky notes, note pads, magazines, and one last SIGNED COPY of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY.

Deets:

• Leave any comment, anywhere throughout the enter tour. I will take ALL COMMENTS from this post and the ENTIRE TOUR and draw a single winner! It’s that easy. Click here for links to every stop on the tour. Contest is open internationally and closes at 11:59pm (PST) on Sunday, 10/17. I will announce the winner here on Monday morning!

AND…WHILE YOUR TOURING….

Check out these bloggers that have posted their reviews of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY. I have to say, I did not get to see these until this morning, and reading them has left me…well…

INTENSE.

I am truly humbled.

Here are today’s reviewers. Be sure to leave comments on their blogs as well – I will include them in the giveaway.

• Lisa Rivero 
• Medeia Sharif
• Taffy Lovell
• Thomas Furman
• Danyelle Leafty
• Jennifer Merrill
• Robin McCormack
• Margaret Barney
• Michelle McLean

Thanks again for making this an unforgettable couple of weeks. Next up…several speaking engagements and I really MUST finish a very important project over the next few weeks. Wish me luck!

Have a great weekend and thanks for all the support during the tour.

The Tour, 10/12 through 10/14

Well, we are into the home stretch of the tour – three more days and a final review-fest. What a crazy-fun whirlwind it has been. Some of you have asked what’s next? Well, I have additional book signings throughout the state in the works, several speaking engagements locally and hopefully some conferences. We’ll just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I am very busy trying to finish up my companion book, 101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids. This is such a fun book to work on, with advice from older gifted kids, little quizzes and 101 Success Secrets!

Then of course, there is the fiction part of my world – something I am pretty anxious to dive back into. Yep, pretty busy in Christine-land.

But onto the remaining stops on the tour:

• 10/12: Lisa Amowitz - Stop by for a guest post about emotional intensity
• 10/13: Thomas Furman - Stop by for a fun interview
• 10/14: Margaret Barney is hosting an interview and I’m hanging out with Jamie Debree to talk about giftedness and relationships.

As with the other stops along the tour, there will be a few more chances to win a SIGNED copy of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY IN GIFTED STUDENTS.

Which reminds me – there are still some fabulous giveaways going on for the book this week. Many of them have under 15 entries, so the odds are definitely in your favor to win the book. Just stop by and leave a comment:

• Carolyn Kaufman - Ends Today (10/12) THE CONTEST WAS EXTENDED TO FRIDAY, 10/15. THANKS CAROLYN!
• Laura Diamond - Ends Today (10/12)
• Jennifer Merrill - Contest open until 10/13
• Medeia Sharif - Contest open until 10/14
• Robin McCormack ‘s blog – contest ends 10/15
• Lisa Rivero - contest ends 10/15

On Friday, we are featuring an EPIC roundup of reviews on EMOTIONAL INTENSITY! And one MASSIVE grand prize drawing for a great assortment of swag and a signed book. Be sure to check it out! I’ll be drawing one name from ALL of the comments throughout the tour and from the reviews. WOO HOO!!!

In other news, my Publisher has ordered more books so I am hoping that Barnes and Noble and Indigo (in Canada) have it available for purchase this week, and Amazon gets it in stock soon. Until then, you can always order from Prufrock Press directly for a faster turn around time.

Of course, if you live in Southern California, be sure to stop by the Oceanside Barnes and Noble on 10/14 from 4 – 7 for my book signing. I will be doing a little chat at 5, followed by a book signing. Hope to see you there!

I hope you guys have enjoyed the tour. I will be back tomorrow with an author interview and finish the week with my Bookanista review and a recap of the blog tour. This has been a great ride – I thank you guys for sharing it with me.

On unrelated news….I think….THINK….I have a shiny new idea for NaNo. Must stew on it and see if it gels. Who is doing NaNo with me???

Monday’s Blog Tour Stop and Other News

Happy Monday! What a crazy weekend I had – parties, signings, and other fun. Needless-to-say, I am EXHAUSTED this morning! So, this is just a quick post to talk about the tour and some other bookish announcements:

Today’s Blog Stop:

• 10/11: Carolyn Kaufman - Stop by for a fun interview and more chances to win a copy of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY IN GIFTED STUDENTS.

Ongoing Contests:

Stop by the following blogs and leave a comment to be entered into the drawings for my book. Given that Amazon is still reporting a 5 week delivery time, this may be the fastest way to get your hands on one.

• Laura Diamond - Contest open until 10/12. 
• Jennifer Merrill - Contest open until 10/13
• Medeia Sharif - Contest open until 10/14
• Robin McCormack ‘s blog – contest ends 10/15
• Lisa Rivero - contest ends 10/15

On Friday, we are featuring an EPIC roundup of reviews on EMOTIONAL INTENSITY! And one MASSIVE grand prize drawing for a great assortment of swag and a signed book. Be sure to check it out! I’ll be drawing one name from ALL of the comments throughout the tour and from the reviews. WOO HOO!!!

Want a sneak peek at one of the reviews? Check out Robin’s recent blog post.

In other news, my Publisher has ordered more books so I am hoping that Barnes and Noble and Indigo (in Canada) have it available for purchase soon, and Amazon gets it in stock soon. Until then, you can always order from Prufrock Press directly for a faster turn around time.

And last but not least, I am currently #72 on Amazon’s list of bestselling parenting books. Not bad for my little niche book, right???

What news do you guys have to share? I will be back to my regular blogging topics on Wed. with a fabulous interview with Michelle Davidson Argyle, the author of CINDERS.

Friday….a week after the launch.

Wow, has it been a week? What a whirlwind. A wonderfully fun whirlwind. The tour has been great so far. I’m getting ready to sign and send the first of the books for the contest winners later today. I have a party tomorrow and book signings over the next few days.

The book has now in stock at Prufrock Press, with a pretty fast delivery time. If you haven’t picked up a copy, I would get it from them – the delivery time is much faster right now. Amazon is reporting about a 3 to 8 week delay. As for Borders and Barnes and Noble – same deal.

Now if you don’t want to buy it, you could try to win it along the tour. I am giving away 10+ signed books throughout the two-week tour.

Here are the contests still going on:

• Michelle McLean’s blog (ENDS TODAY!!!)
• Taffy Lovell ‘s blog
• Laura Diamond - Contest open until 10/12. 
• Robin McCormack ‘s blog – contest ends 10/15
• Jenn Merrill’s blog - most humorous interview on the tour (and low entries for the contest, so GREAT odds of winning a copy!)

Many of these contests are ending this weekend, so hurry to get your entries in!

Now, for today -

Visit Medeia Sharif for a great interview or Lisa Rivero for some fun insight to my own intense kids. As always, there are more chances to win a Signed copy of EMOTIONAL INTENSITY IN GIFTED STUDENTS. {{LOW ENTRIES ON THESE – SO CHECK THEM OUT!}}

Wanna get your hands on the books sooner? Come by one of the book signings:

• Oct 10, 2010 – Borders, Brea, CA – 2 – 4



• Oct 14, 2010 – Barnes and Noble, Oceanside, CA 4-7

HOPE TO SEE YOU ALONG THE TOUR!!! Have a fabulous weekend. Any fun plans?