“He has no heart.” “She’s all heart.” “My heart just isn’t in this.” But the heart is a muscle that pumps our blood and oxygen through our bodies. That is all. When we make statements like the ones above, we are really talking about brain function. Somewhere along the line, probably long before humans knew about how the brain functioned, we began attributing emotions to the heart, even describing it as our seat of motivation. I guess the “gifted” side of me (pedantic?) is needing to clarify that when I am talking about a person’s heart in this post, I am speaking metaphorically. For some reason, I feel the need to point out that everything, is in fact, run by the brain.
Every time I look at the blank screen on my computer, a screen that is asking me to fill it with words, and words are not immediately forthcoming, my first thought is generally something like, how my heart must not be in this anymore. I just don’t know what to write. If I’m given something to write about, at first I’m fine. “Oh sure! I can write about this! Easy peasy!” Then the blank screen is before me and I have to check Facebook, then look at a movie trailer, then read an article about a different upcoming movie, then I notice that my body hair is thicker on one side of my body than the other, and I must research this immediately or I won’t be able to concentrate on what I am supposed to be writing. This leads me to reading articles and looking up images of a variety of hairstyles with funny names. Now an hour has elapsed and I haven’t written a word. So I begin to wonder, is my heart really in this? And then, my BRAIN shoots back with, “Yes! You’re just being lazy! Stop it!”
I am realizing a reason I am having a hard time with this topic is because, like many adults, I have learned to keep my heart protected. From the viewpoint of someone who grew up with the “gifted” label I felt the need to build walls around my heart. Much was expected of me from others. I also expected a lot from myself. When I lived up to those expectations, everything was great, of course. When I didn’t, no one was more disappointed than me. The tests said I could have done great things with my life. While I am content with my life as it is, I still haven’t fulfilled any of the dreams I had when I was younger. I was going to be an actor. An award winning actor. Or at least, be able to earn a comfortable living as an actor. You know, not necessarily hounded by paparazzi, but every once in a while, someone would come up to me and say, “Hey, aren’t you that woman who played that other woman’s friend in that show?” When I became pregnant with my twins, I pretty much gave up on that idea. You have to already be a successful actor to get away with having twins and still continue acting. Come to think of it, my twins are all grown up now. I still have an 11-year old at home, but I’m not a single parent anymore like I was for the first five years of my twins’ lives. Maybe I’ll see how much acting classes cost in my area. See what happens when my heart kicks in?
I wanted to be a writer –well, I am writing right now, aren’t I? I thought I’d start with magazine articles (this was way before blogs), then short stories, then finally, become a novelist. This one, I haven’t given up on quite yet. I need to find a way to discipline my highly distractable brain and keep myself focused. Focused on writing. And fragmented sentences. I just need to keep writing. Except for right now because I am finished writing this post.
You will eventually be able to read more of my writing at: http://manicmeanderings.blogspot.com/ I haven’t updated since a couple of weeks before NaNoWriMo. I plan to update….soon.